Tuesday, 1 February 2011

And If You Aren't Scared Enough Already

And here's one I cribbed from my son's FB page - the government's new website, www.police.uk, which crashed in it's first day of launch after receiving four and a half million hits in an hour, identifies the full extent of violent street crime anywhere in the UK.

You type in your postcode and to bring up a page showing the full extent of crime in your street. The Daily Mash's  lighthearted take on this latest PR stunt by the UK coalition are as follows:

To make it easy to scare you, the maps will feature guns, old fashioned cartoon bombs, big scary knives and men in turbans, as well as pinpointing millions of suspected kiddie-fiddlers using the Facebook logo.

Home secretary Theresa May said: "Unfortunately danger is everywhere. I am amazed you're still alive. Well done."

"These maps will show that even if there is not a horrible crime in your street, something incredibly disturbing will have happened within five minutes walk.

"But it's okay because I am here to tell you that I am going to protect you. In meantime why not ease the stress of being under constant threat of death or molestation by using your credit card to buy a shiny thing?"

May said the maps would also be available as a smart phone 'app' so that busy professionals could be paranoid and fearful between meetings.

She added: "When you meet someone at a party you can ask what street they live in and then nip to the loo with your iPhone before rejoining the conversation and trying to work out whether your new acquaintance is a terrorist, a fraudster or a predatory sex beast who is probably going to follow you home."

Meanwhile experts noted the map showed only three cases of serious theft in central Westminster, but May stressed there was no need to log those instances where MPs had given back some of the money they had stolen quite deliberately.

Taxi companies have also welcomed the maps with some planning to use them on terrifying leaflets that will be handed out in pubs to women and weedy men with spectacles.

Long live the British ability to send themselves up and the right to free speech - while it lasts that is!
This is the real image I got from the site for my area. The figures aren't bad, but still scary if I plan to walk across the Green at night!


Sandra Patterson said...

Tried this and it only does England and Wales. Phooey!

India Drummond said...

I think I'm glad there's not a Scottish version of this! Holy guacamole! That's scary.